Not to be a-ok super-duper girly positive 24/7, everyday in a globe-turn. If you’ve ever read Glamour magazine, you’ll recognise the titular reference (god damn, that’s a good word): they have a page in each issue upon which they list a number of everyday things we have to deal with, that we often have to pretend to like. Basically, it’s a collective admittance that we’re not all 100% perfection goddesses, or Karlie Kloss – which is a good thing, sure – until you see Karlie Kloss. So yeah, given fashion/beauty blogs often revolve about the pizazz and sparkle of our favourite products, styles and events – I thought I’d inject a little much-needed mildy cynical realism into the Barbie Dreamworld we seem to be making of the blogosphere. Here is a selection of things that grind my feminine gears:

Fashion’s latest ‘IT’ model, notorious onesie-rocker and undeniably Britain’s hottest gurner – Cara Delevingne is the shit right now. When I first discovered her, I was totally on the ‘OMG guiz, it’s so nice to have a model who’s down to Earth and relatable!’ bandwagon – but now I’ve realised: no, oh no son, it is not – give it up. Models are supposed to be beautiful clothes-hangers who possess an attractiveness that ascends the sort of girl next door/girl on Page 3 look your average bloke goes for – not a) avid wearers of tiger onesies b) socialistas who hang out with their celebrity ‘wifeys’ (may I interject and say that I could write an entire post on that word alone) c) on cooking shows with other models. Just when we were already feeling grim enough that we had to make that third microwave meal in a week: we get to watch two beyond svelt models cooking recipes  on YouTube. 

I’m usually  not one for the objectifying of women myself, but the incessant barrage of Cara pictures in which she’s pulling a hideous, downright childish gurn face is just getting a bit much. I’m sorry, but you can’t pose like this:

And then pose like this:

Don’t even get me started on her tattoos. The fact that she’s the same age as me angers me in two brutally honest ways: a) bouts of disgraceful jealousy at her face b) the fact that she acts like an absolute berk and thus, makes fellow 20 year olds seem like berks of an equal measure. Within a couple of months, doing a ‘Cara’ face will completely and utterly be a universally understood term, if not entered into the Collins dictionary. P.s. Cara, you’re still fit.

This summer we celebrate and embrace representing the colour scheme of the Red Light District. Dressing like a fluro stripper sign does not make me want to jump up brandishing my Visa Debit (I’m not going to pretend I’m either brave enough or old enough to possess a credit). Maybe this is something that the naturally tanned should stick to – and no, I’m not talking about you over there, reeking of Fake Bake – it’s something that can only look dire on our generally melanin-deprived skin tones, thanks to our good ol’British weather, surely.

I’m just imagining the tweens of my hometown falling out of Primark with bags laden with top-to-toe neon – think shitty industrial town and you probably already know where I’m referring to. If you really, really must insist on incorporating some of this bizarre trend into your #OOTD, maybe just stick to one piece – like a cool fluro jumper with a crisp white shirt, or a bright green neon satchel. I’m only going to be touching pastel neon with a tentative bargepole though: I’m too white ‘n’ nerdy for anything more potentially garish.

Already touched on this in the last point, with the passive aggressive Fake Bake dig – but oh lordy, I am an ardent disliker of fake tan. Just – why? Okay, the appeal of something like a Garnier gradual tan can be appreciated – granted, it doesn’t smell particularly marvellous and it can often still make you look like  the love child of Pamela Anderson and a zebra, but at least it looks more ‘I’ve just come back from: Portugal – honest’, than ‘I’ve just come back from: Africa – I forgot the suncream’. If you’re naturally pale, embrace it: instead of lathering yourself in mushed up Cheetos in a bid to look healthier and slimmer, why don’t you just stop being a lazy shit and go to the gym? Or hey, just be happy how you are – you probably look damn good anyway.

I have only ever had bad experiences with tanning, or the furtive handful of occasions that I’ve flirted with it. These have only occurred, as a rule, because of peer pressure – or often, best-friend pressure. First experience: sneaking into the sunbeds when we were only 15/16 for the first (and with no sliver of doubt, my last) time, with my best friend – without being instructed to turn the fan on and, consequently walking like I’d starred in an anal gangbang porno and resembling a packet of Frazzles crisps for the following week. The others generally revolve around the aforementioned gradual tan, which I tried again more recently in March when I went to Marrakech with the same best friend – and predictably ended up a streaky bastard.

If you own a tanning glove: I do not understand you and your kind.

Nights on Twitter where every other post contains a #BGT are my least favourite nights. Yeah, I’m a bit of a pop-culture scrooge: I rarely even watch TV – but if I do, it most definitely doesn’t include: #MIC #BGT #TOWIE etc etc #killmenow. The appeal in these shows is quietly apparent, I know, people do often watch the for the ‘OMG’ factor over the real ‘X’ factor, but in all honesty, I think they’re just a bit pile of crap and I’d much rather watch a bit of The Office US (RIP) or Modern Family. Gotta level with you though: bitches love Snog, Marry, Avoid and I am so one of those bitches.

So there you go, a little insight into the less rainbows-and-butterflies inhabited side of my brain. I’d really appreciate it if this caught on and somebody else wrote a similar post, to alleviate me of the ‘youngest old person ever’ feeling and remind me that we’re not all super girly girls, with our virtual pompoms, all the time. P.s. I’ve finished university for the year now – second year: complete. That means I’m going to be way more active on here now, so get following and anticipate much more!

Follow me on Twitter @Ebzo